Recovery is a Journey

Sometimes in our journey we have so much to make amends for that we lose sight of our own worth. In our past we have used and abused others so much that we come to believe we don't deserve to be treated right in our relationships. Nothing could be further from the truth! If you believe the lie though, you may not even be noticing just how badly you are being treated, either overtly or in more subtle ways. The following is a list of possible characteristics of batterers.

1. A push for quick involvement: The individual comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this ever by anyone. quot; An abuser will pressure the other person for an exclusive commitment almost immediately in the relationship.
2. Jealousy: The individual is excessively possessive, calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work or other places because you "might meet someone." This person will do things like check the mileage on your vehicle or go through your wallet/purse.
3. Controlling: The individual interrogates you intensely (also sometimes very subtly) about a variety of issues like who you talked to or where you were. They want to manage all the money and insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything without them.
4. Unrealistic expectations: He/she expects you to be the perfect man/woman and meet their every need.
5. Isolation: He/she tries to cut you off from your family and friends. They accuse people who are your support ers of "causing trouble". The abuser may even try to deprive you of a phone or a vehicle.
6. Blames others for Problems or mistakes: Whatever happens, it is always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong. This individual has great difficulty in accepting responsibility for their own decisions, actions, or problems. At some point, they will blame you for just about everything!
7. Makes everyone else responsible for their feelings: The abuser says, "You make me angry," or "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "You make me happy."
8. Hypersensitivity: This person is easily insulted, claiming that their feelings are hurt when he/she are really angry. They will rant about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. Cruelty to animals and children: The abuser often kills or punishes animals brutally. They may expect children to do things that are beyond their ability (may spank a two year old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry.
10. "Playful" use of force during sex: He often enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex. He may say he finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. Verbal abuse: He/she constantly criticizes you or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, degrading things, and curses.

12. Rigid gender roles: He expects you to serve, obey, and remain at home.
13. Sudden mood swings: The abuser frequently switches from being loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.
14. Past battering: He admits hitting women in the past and excuses the behavior by saying that they made him do it, or that the situation brought it on.
15. Threats of violence: He/she make statements like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismiss the threat with a statement like, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

You are a very special person! And you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. One of the reasons you started into your recovery was due to a desire for something better in your life. Please don't "settle" in your relationships for someone who does not treat you like gold.

Beating the Odds: Help for Problem Gambling

Slot machines pouring out quarters, roulette wheels spinning, and people gathering around blackjack and poker tables is part of an exciting evening or weekend away from home for some people. For others, gambling is an addiction that causes financial, marital, job-related, and emotional problems that require treatment. Possible signs of problem gambling:

1. Losing time from work due to gambling.
2. Repeatedly promising to stop gambling, yet returning to it again and again.
3. Borrowing money to gamble or to pay gambling debts.
4. Lying to cover up gambling activity.
5. Suffering from feelings of remorse or depression due to gambling.
6. Gambling until the last dollar is gone.

Protecting Your Finances:

1. Remove the gamblers name from all credit cards.
2. Have the gambler's paycheck deposited into an account that is in your name only, and agree to a weekly cash budget.
3. Call creditors and explain the gambler's problem and offer to work on a restitution plan.
4. You may even need to have your name removed from any joint credit cards, saving, or checking accounts.
5. Alert all creditors to the problem and ask them not to extend any more credit.
6. Open a separate safe-deposit box to store valuables.
7. Shift control of all finances to a non-gambler.